Tantric Randy: What Every Girl Should Know

WHO IS TANTRIC RANDY?

Tantric Randy is that lean, muscular, often shirtless figure you spot from time to time playing Frisbee golf in the park or walking his dog without a leash. His hair may be long or short, but you will know him by his telltale bald spot, and various hemp accessories. While relaxing at home, Tantric Randy prefers white gauze pajama pants (worn with jewelry). He likely has a few cunningly placed tattoos, and bodily orifices reeking of vanilla and patchouli. Enter at your own risk.

Tantric Randy reads a lot of Deepak Chopra and Carlos Castaneda; his vocabulary is peppered with such descriptive words as cosmic, divine, mystical, tantric (duh), and anything coupled with the word "inner." He knows a lot about his soul, and will be happy to tell you all about it. Additionally, he knows a lot about your soul--more than you ever wanted to know--and he will use this information to get you into bed if shown the slightest encouragement.

Tantric Randy prides himself on his ability to impart you with the most mindblowing orgasms you've ever had. He never doubts his sexual prowess, and he will be mightily offended if you do.

The most important thing to know about Tantric Randy is that sex and spirituality are interchangeable in his world and he possesses an amazing talent for exploiting both to their fullest capacity.

PLACES TO SPOT TANTRIC RANDY:

The park

The hippie café nearest you

The Eastern Bookshop

The University Campus

The natural foods store

Yoga Class

The beach

Asheville

TANTRIC RANDY'S TARGET

Are you young, nubile, and starry-eyed?

Beware!

Tantric Randy is out to disillusion you.

He will impress you with his vast database of knowledge regarding reggae music, herbal colonics, pot growing techniques, the Dalai Lama, and the Kama Sutra. He will refer to you by pet names, such as the names of certain non-western goddesses, most popularly, Kali and Pele. You may be tempted to find this enormously flattering, be advised however that you are not the first eighteen year old ingénue to cross his path, (He is, after all, AT LEAST thirty years old) nor will you be the last.

WHY IS TANTRIC RANDY LIKE THIS?

Tantric Randy was once just like you (granted, without breasts). He was innocent, curious, and tended to wear his heart on his sleeve. Tragically, life has gotten the best of Tantric Randy, between his failed relationships, devastated musical ambitions, and erectile dysfunction due to overconsumption of THC. In order to compensate for the insecurities resulting from life's hard knocks, he has developed this Supreme Love God persona.

WHY TANTRIC RANDY IS TO BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS

It's not that there are no advantages to becoming involved with this guy. You'll have extremely pleasurable sex that will last for a really long time. He will cook you delicious vegan meals and tell you all kinds of fun facts about the Zodiac and the hierarchy of Hindu deities. He's easy to get along with, and never poses too much of a challenge.

The downside to all of this is that once you catch onto his ruse (namely, that he is not who he claims to be), he will drop you like a hot Tibetan potato. It has also been noted by certain preeminent Tantric Randy scholars that his similarities to Charles Manson far outweigh his differences. Tantric Randy can become Charles Manson.

ARE YOU DATING A TANTRIC RANDY? NOT SURE? HERE' SOME TELLTALE SIGNS.

• You find yourself saying to your friends "Age doesn't really matter. It's maturity that counts."
• Do you ever have BO that's not yours?
• Do you find yourself suspending your disbelief more often than not?
• Have you grown to actually like the taste of Smoked Tempeh?
• Has he ever claimed to have lived in a Buddhist monastery, but he is curiously unable to tell when or where that occurred?
• Do you find that your wardrobe includes more flowing gowns than ever before?
• Has he ever tried to unload his compost on you? (And, have you ever accepted it?)
• Has he ever written a song for you involving the words "key," "truth," and/or "love?"

Words and Phrases I Cannot Condone or How Not to Turn a Phrase

Use with EXTREME CAUTION

(or in some* cases, not at all)

!!!*

set him or her free

ambiance

eternity

dark circles around the eyes

recesses of memory*

stubborn understanding*

cosmos

cold and lonely

battle death transpired*

and so on soul

melting pot ceaseless rhythms*

nothingness tranquil depression*

universe devoid of meaning*

soothing tones

emptiness consciousness

bleeding heart tragedy

puddles, rivers, _____(bodies of water) of tears or tears*

oppression*

rebellious wisp

shadows

so it came to pass

silent cry

once upon a time

imagination wondered*

she woke up from the dream in the air

his throbbing manhood*

dusty / faded memories*

protrude, protruding, protruded

fire crackling

any form of the word dark

burning passion

tunnel of white light*

lingering

white light or other forms of light

universe

anon and anything related to Shakespearean English*

small sportscar*

effervescent*

screech of tires or animals

silence horns blaring

puffy / cotton clouds*

trains whistling

tender lips

nameless

moist

faceless

rays of sun or sunlight

drone

four walls

crying to the moon*

hearty laugh

mean streets

man in the moon

delicate

lost innocence*

fragile smile

oblivion *

bowl full of jelly

one more night

existence

disheveled

psychedelic swirls of color*

impenetrable painful truth/ realization

utterance

kiss

their final goodbye*

ecstasy

star specked skies

the never ending *

baby blue eyes

myths of grandeur*

depths of *

echoed through agony

raging / rage turmoil

tides rush in*

wrenching

fate / foretold

angelic features

surge of bravery*

golden hair

illumination

wrinkled skin

visions

deathly pale

her legs brush between mine*

spirit

pound the pavement

insatiable appetite

heartbeat

fall into

loins

despair

meet his maker

cheap wine

this abortion we call life* (except for Leslie)

orbs (with relation to anatomy)*

like (outside of simile)

pretty weird

The fact of the matter is

dead mule*

bare feet on the cabin floor*

War of Northern Aggression*

cavernous silence *

her face collapsed*

art-damaged

quivering

sonic negation

diaphanous

porcelain skin