Real Resume

OBJECTIVE

To find a meaningful, engaging way to make enough money to pay bills, allow me all the cds, vintage clothes, gourmet groceries and gin and tonics I want without compromising my identity, aesthetic, or self-respect (ie make me feel like a sell-out). Ideally said job would require a lot of first hand narrative writing about culture and/or about me. Criticism is not a turn-off. Moreover, job would boast a fun staff of weird coworkers (possibly cute, male, heterosexual, and single), intellectual challenges, hard deadlines, and plenty of opportunities for me to be as irreverent as I want to be. Travel, even roadtrip travel to strange small towns, would be a plus.

WORK EXPERIENCE

Freelance Writer/Editor—February 2001-Present.

· Concepted, researched, wrote, and edited advertising/public relations materials for wide variety of local and regional clients. These materials have included brochures, print ads, newsletters, annual reports, case statements, television and radio ads, and museum kiosks.

· Spent copious hours revising a novel I’ve been writing for six years and should probably toss out, but I’m reluctant to do so.

· Created lots of memoirish snippets about my life, aborted several short stories after the first paragraph, developed complex database system for library of CDs and Records.

· Read about two hundred books—Fiction to Nonfiction Ratio: 60/40

· Wrote plenty of email, drank a lot of coffee, smoked cigarettes, and watched “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”

· Sent out several hundred resumes and cover letters.

· Entertained self with fashion shows.

· Befriended owners of local vintage stores, prepared elaborate dinners, went to see bands play, drank heavily with friends, and did not get laid.

· Tried going back to college (didn’t take).

· Considered all sorts of get rich schemes and possible business ventures (“Hey, it would be sort of cool to own a bar!”

Cashier—November 2002-Present.
Record Store, Chapel Hill, NC

· Sold countless lps, eps, cds, dvds, and pretty much any combination to self-conscious record snobs in overcrowded, elitist record store.

· Handled money, closed out till, occasionally totaled up money correctly.

· Provided numerous recommendations to a 90% male client base, eg “If you really want to get your mind off of the fact that your girlfriend is, as you say, a cheating whore, you might want to consider the Rolling Stones.”

· Comforted bitter boss when wife temporarily separated.

· Selected music for in store play, alphabetized, killed time with the employees of the communist bookstore next door, tried to appear sexy while stocking cds. Did not get laid.

· Endured the obvious envy of college radio djs and local drug addled bandmembers who clearly do not understand how I got this job when they’ve been after it for years.

Reader/Scorer—March-April 2003

Large Scale Testing Service

· Read and scored thousands of student essays via network for high school testing program.

· Sat at desk at home, talking to my scoring leader who happened to be my roommate.

· Drank coffee; smoked cigarettes.

· Watched DVDs on my computer while on the clock.

Staff Writer—October 2001-September 2002

Large, Well-Regarded Music Webzine

· Wrote and edited two weekly record reviews for web-based music magazine.

· Researched, composed, and conducted feature length essays and interviews.

· Argued with editor in chief over the necessity of covering such tripe.

· Accused my fellow writers of sexism.

· Pussyfooted around criticizing bands from DC as friends knew all of them.

· Used critic status to get free shit from record labels, and guest list status at concerts.

· Acted like a vapid hipster. And got accused of such behavior by friends, enemies, and a couple of college professors.

· Penned hilarious, longwinded rants to my detractors.

· Frequently looked my name up on Google as evidence that I existed.

· Flirted with interview subjects. Did not get laid.

Copywriter—May 1999-February 2001

Advertising Agency

· Wrote, researched, and edited advertising and press media for local, regional and national clients.

· Worked with clients and creative team in conception and production of full advertising campaigns.

· Performed various administrative tasks on an as-need basis, including database creation and maintenance, filing, faxing, and associated office tasks.

· Assisted in event production.

· Pissed off then vice-president/media buyer who thought I was a slacker and a spoiled brat.

· Argued with boss. Argued with mother (same thing).

· Used work computer to download MP3s on weekends, surfed the web, joined internet mailing lists, tried to make fun collages out of discarded paper sample books, received presents from printers, got tanked with graphic designers down the hall.

· Flirted with graphic designers down the hall. Did not get laid.

Editorial Intern—October 1996-May 1998

Unnamed, National, University Affiliated Literary Magazine

· Read and edited submitted fiction manuscripts.

· Drafted letters to prospective writers.

· Assisted in pre-production proofing and preparation.

· Completed various office tasks as needed.

· Had hours of fun at the expense of submitted stories and their writers.

· Learned exactly how much alcohol it takes to make me really shitty.

· Hung out with charming, attractive, intelligent men. Did not get laid.

EDUCATION

Bachelor of Arts Literature/ Creative Writing

Completed in May of 2002, after eight years and three schools, a couple veiled suicide threats, near bankruptcy, three or four emotional breakdowns, a lot of tears, piss, and vinegar, several lost friends, a few good professors, one published play, a reasonable amount of liquor, marijuana, caffeine, and a couple months of antidepressants, a final semester of complete bullshit classes and a lot of hanging out with independently wealthy downtown hipster who were not my classmates. Almost failed French. Publicly feuded with at least one self-important bitch of a professor (female); privately bad-mouthed one megalomaniacal fussy bitch of a professor (male). Went into debt. Have yet to see why this degree was worth all I put into it, physically, emotionally, intellectually, or financially.

QUALIFICATIONS

· Excellent writing, proofreading, and editing skills.

· Creative, imaginative, conceptual/ problem solving abilities.

· Exceptional customer/client communication skills.

· Competent on both Windows and Macintosh operating systems.

· Proficient in Microsoft Word and Excel.

· Adherence to deadlines.

· Teamwork motivated.

· Encyclopedic knowledge of rock and roll with emphasis on rock snobbery sort of acts.

· Makes really excellent, genre-crossing, schizophrenic mix tapes/ cds.

· Knows a lot about European history from the Roman Empire through the French Revolution with special emphasis on England.

· Enjoys cheesy teen movies, and can make an elegant argument for the problem of morality using the tv show, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"

· Good team worker. Enjoys reading Shakespeare aloud.

· Has excellent eye in thrift stores, and lifelong fascination with costume.

· Enjoys ranting. Can be funny when ranting.

· Likes to write long pieces of prose, whether fiction or non-fiction. Although, research has unearthed the fact that said prose usually appeals more to men than to women. What does this mean?

· Good editor of anyone's stuff except my own.

· Lusty.

· Defiant. Quick temper, but apologizes easily.

· Endearingly klutzy, irregardless of footwear.

· Can use various four-letter words in all sorts of creative ways.

· A little bit kinky.

· Can walk miles in high heeled boots without complaining

· Will appear blasé and standoffish. Acts tough like a pro. Good in a big crisis. Sucks with the details.

· Great taste. Poor money management.

· Classically trained pianist.

· Charmingly untrained guitarist.

· Likes furry animals, but has an unexplained hatred for squirrels.

· Hates brooding men, republicans, SUVs, the religious right, intolerance, close-mindedness, Biblical morality, most authority figures, girls with victim complexes, senses of entitlement, business suits, nude pantyhose, the word “tidy” and any of its applications, overly kempt looking hair, people who eat fat free cheese, and raisins.

· Can sail a small boat. Secretly wants to be a pirate.

INTERESTS

Faulkner, Nabokov, biblical epics, archetypal criticism, the amusing futility of local politics, urban decay, rhinestones, kitsch, irony, history, cuisine from hot places, funny, somewhat fey boys, Scottish/Irish men, collecting music, pretending I’m a rock star, bad art, the word “fuck,” mascara, smoking, travel, boats with masts, clutter, rapidly, radically changing hairstyles, talking about pretty much anything to pretty much anyone, moderate socialism, vintage evening gowns, musicians, making people laugh, jukebox coups, long drives to nowhere in particular, weird, small towns, Delta blues, renaissance motets, Classical music pre-Brahms; post Wagner, Jazz, Be-Bop, Salsa, Country and Western, Bluegrass, Electronica, R&B pre 1970, Old Soul, Punk Rock, Indie Rock, Lo-Fi, Low Rent, New Wave, 60’s psychedelia, Glam Rock, Calypso, Reggae, Dub, National Public Radio, The New Yorker, Mojo, The Believer, McSweene's Lists, folk, amusing pathological liars, Oscar Wilde, well written satire, post modern theory, underdogs, paper dolls, Fuentes, Joyce, good new fiction, Delillo, Barth, Pynchon, Gaddis, Didion, et al, adopting surrogate little brothers, art history, water, cities, loudness, gin, tequila, rum, vodka, Jameson’s, neon, 19^th century prostitutes, pirates, cowboy boots, outlaws, and the East Coast.

REFERENCES AND PORTFOLIO AVAILABLE ON REQUEST