Election 2004: Dr Evil vs. Prince Charming

Dr. Evil’s Assets:

Intelligent, poker-faced, incumbent VP, with thirty+ years of experience. Has worked for three different presidents before current administration. CEO of multi-national corporation. Smarter than the President.

Dr Evil’s Liabilities:

Stony, scary, incumbent VP. Has worked for Nixon. Might not be completely human. And seriously, who’s NOT smarter than the president. Evil.

Prince Charming’s Assets:

Charismatic, populist, seemingly guileless. Good old southern boy. Rousing public speaker. Successful lawyer. Best looking candidate for executive office since JFK. Probably not evil.

Prince Charming’s Liabilities:

Smarmy, maudlin, a little flaky. About as subtle as a gallon jug of molasses. Actorly. Ambulance chaser. Possibly a mimbo.

Dr Evil Fun Fact!

Spent months following 9/11 in a secret hide-out at an undisclosed location.

Prince Charming Fun Fact!

Reputedly bought a house around the corner from me, in a matter of speaking.

Dr Evil personal tragedy:

Heart condition. Lesbian daughter.

Prince Charming personal tragedy:

Lost a son. It was pretty sad, actually.

Dr Evil debate style:

Reasonably articulate, coercive. Likes to stonewall, plays on public fear by continuing to imply parallels between Sadaam Hussein and 9/11 . Likes to mutter.

Prince Charming debate style:

Lays it on pretty thick. Talks to audience as if they were a jury. Inclined to include litany of Dr Evil’s nefarious plots. I believed for a while that he might accuse Dr Evil of clubbing a baby seal with his bare hands. And to be honest, I probably would have believed him. Likes to continually take debate back to health care.

Most absurd moment:

Dr Evil’s suggesting that Kerry’s vote for a decrease in weapons production back in 1984 might have “lost” us the Cold War.

Most transcendent moment:

Dr Evil’s face the first time Prince Charming mentioned Halliburton.

Lowest blows:

Dr Evil:

“Senator Gone,” Remarking how Prince Charming’s hometown newspaper does not endorse him. Also, bringing up Howard Dean.

Prince Charming:

The not-so-subtle barb with regards to Dr Evil’s lesbian daughter. Also, mentioning Ken Lay.

Weirdest allusion:

El Salvador. Why would anyone try to win an argument by bringing up El Salvador?

Best Lost Opportunity:

The sepia-toned dramatic reenaction of Prince Charming’s closing remarks.

Advantage:

Prince Charming. Definitive.